Appearance - Why It's Important

"Your looks have become a problem"

      -Jeff Bebe (Almost Famous)

“…And I don’t give a damn if you don’t like me, cause I don’t like you cause you’re not like me. “

     -Jimmy Pop (Bloodhound Gang)

Looks are important. Not to me personally per se’, but important in your daily life. How you look, carry yourself, and how you speak to others. Why? It’s because you are judged immediately and harshly if you do not look like you belong if you do not speak with confidence and eloquence.

Looks are important because of biases that are beyond our own control. I have to judge you by your looks for multiple reasons.

      1.  I don’t have time to “get to know” you. Chances are when I meet you, I’ll have less than 5 minutes to make a determination on you as a person, your knowledge of whatever it is I am speaking to you for, as well as make a judgment on how I can maximize our relationship.

      2. Others judge me based on how the people I put around me look. I have a need to not only represent myself in how I would like to be judged, but I have a responsibility to that need to ensure the people that I’m with are representing my image accurately

3.   Defiance rarely produces positive results. Our societal norm, especially in business, is that these judgments establish the basis of business going forward regardless of the content.  You must look like a clown to be hired as a clown. We must dress like an employee to represent the company.

My argument was always that my content would explain me as a person. I would never “look like them”. In a sense, I’d call myself today a “sell-out” from what I thought I did not want to become. The truth is that I wanted to be recognized for my brain and not my refined professionalism. The fact is one hand washes the other.

Example:

Would you take financial management advice from a group of college kids you’ve seen at a football game? In my mind, when you ask that question, I think of a crowd of painted up school colors wearing drunk college kids that are waving and screaming at the TV cameras between plays.  “No way”, I immediately think to myself.

Why? Bias.

What is wrong with that is out of that group of kids, there are a handful of educated young minds that are working toward becoming financial analysts, stockbrokers, CPA’s etc... Some of those kids probably have great ways to invest money and make money by managing finances in a logical and effective way.

If I look at the three reasons noted earlier, I can see that based solely on my idea of appearance, and the fact that I don’t have time to meet and question each student, it becomes impractical. This is true mostly because by association of the students around them, they have molded into a bias and an assumption that I have in my mind.

In a real way this happens to everyone every day. But also, in a real way, it’s a cultural association that our lives have been trained to accept. The culture of our country, state, city, family, and personal beliefs are formed by laws, parents, friends, and us. Biases are also changed and reversed by the same people.

Other biases, like ones that are produced in a professional environment are in place because it’s the most effective and efficient way to determine your opinion of people and how they can be used in your own current situation. In other words they travel outside of some people’s belief structure because it’s plain good business.

There are signs of this social behavior from an early age and in all walks of life. Groups of friends reject certain children from their group because of appearance. They don’t wear the right clothes, they don’t speak the same, or they simply aren’t cute/pretty enough.  Maybe the child has a health issue, acne, or maybe you don’t get picked to play on the team because of size or strength. 

As an undersized average looking poor kid with acne when I was young, I developed a strong hatred for the good looking kids that had unearned (in my eyes) confidence and were given every opportunity to excel in school, sports, and in social situations.  Hence my “stance” on never wanting to look like “them”. I didn’t want to be associated with that bias. I had a strong belief.

Over the years, as I have risen in the professional ranks, I’m noticing that I’m the one that is dressed up. I’m the one that rarely jokes around, I’m the one judging whom to promote, and I find myself with the same biases that have been used against me. Also, they are the same biases that have been used against me for many years. Lastly, these are the same biases that I use to maximize my daily potential and I have no remorse, because these biases are socially and professionally accepted.

I will also continue to use biases as a tool to judge and assess a situation because it’s efficient and its necessary. If I discontinued using biases, I’d have to spend too much time getting to know this under dressed outcast that will be representing me to others that will also be judging that person and be judging me based on my recommendation of that person.

I was never given the benefit of the doubt until I parted my hair and put on a nicely pressed shirt.

C.L.

Brutal Honesty

Everyone has heard "Brutally Honest" right? Some people ask for Brutal Honesty. C'mon...give it to me...

Why would someone ask or offer Brutal Honesty?

Regardless of the subject, brutal honesty will change the perspective of a relationship of two people. Whether you are the sender or receiver, your perception of the other person will be changed. Brutal honesty really has no place in conversation. Honesty is a genuine thought or feeling one might have and want to share or one might want someone else’s honest about something.

If I’m playing guitar and I ask if you honestly like the song I just sang, it would be honest of you to say yes I like the song if you truly like it. It would also be honest if you said, it’s not my favorite if you didn't. It would also be honesty if you said, yeah I do, I liked you’re playing but could work on your voice (offer constructive criticism); you are still being honest.

Brutal honesty would be saying, "The song is a very good song but you really suck at singing". That changes the comment. Worse would be if you prefaced it, "To be brutally honest, the song is good but you can't sing worth shit". Basically you add a qualifier (since you asked), and then you hammer with an opinion (you suck). Now I know your true feelings that you think I suck. Which might even be true, I might be terrible at it, but that doesn't change the fact that without saying we both knew I wasn't that good. It probably didn't have to be said.

Qualifiers such as the following also change the face of perception:
-To be brutally honest...
-Not to sound like a dick but...
-Not to sound racists....
-I'm the type of person....
-In case you were wondering...
-I will/have never...
-I on the other hand....

All of these are the same. They are all followed by things that whomever you are telling doesn't want to hear. And 9 times out of 10  they know what you are about to say. These qualifiers also usually follow with an unnecessary opinion containing brash words and big ideas.

The problem with the qualifier is that it doesn't excuse the following sentence. Basically you are a dick. So now that we've called out the a-holes (which is all of us), let’s talk about reasons why someone might want to use them.

The most reckless is the intention to damage or injure someone. Not physically but mentally obviously, but damaging just the same. Using a qualifier with bad intention, the best is "in case you were wondering.." about the last sentence ends with ...that person will always remember you said that. Even if they forgive you, or even if they don't show it. Their perception has changed and they know that you are capable of intentionally hurting them. Regardless of the situation, if you are in an argument or dispute, or even if you are joking around. If you intentionally speak out about a known fact between you, or even an assumed fact, you will always be known for going too far and being a dick.

Another reason someone would use a qualifier is they want to change your perception of them. If I was known for being too nice, or realize that I’m getting pushed around, a statement can be made with one of these to draw a line in the sand. That’s why it’s called making a statement. The reaction you get will not be consistent and it’s really playing a dangerous game as everyone receives statements and data differently. So your statement might be too harsh or too light and either is overly or under affective depending on what you are attempting to accomplish. Maybe you are insecure and you are adding a qualifier to state your case before you get judged. Some people will add it when you meet them, "I'm the type of person that comes right out and says what I think", like they're now licensed to say whatever they want to now. Those types of people are generally secretly nice people that find it easier to be a jerk as a defense to not being taken advantage of. I understand it, it’s a tough world, but you are who you are and once you start hiding it you'll end up exactly what you didn't want....judged and taken advantage of by others.

Lastly, I wanted to touch on the "I will or have never..." qualifier, because it’s a blanket statement that in itself destroys hope, interest, and the pursuit of happiness that we all secretly long for. If I’m told to do something, in defiance, I may say NEVER! That is the most childish reaction to an act. If I want to go for a motorcycle ride with my wife and she was like "I will never ride on a bike with you", it’s disheartening. Something that I wanted to share has been killed. So as long as I own a bike, I know I’m going to want the love of my life riding with me, I'll know that "NEVER" will happen. Hope for her going is killed; hope of me being happy about riding will never be true either. Because I know that "NEVER" statement will run through my head anytime it’s nice out and I’m going on a ride and think...it would be nice if..."NEVER"...don't ask her. I'll have to think "noooo, she won't go with me ever"...which is a negative thought about her that is unnecessary and only brought on by one person wanting to share with another.  Something so happy and meant to be a good experience is damaged in some way based on a blanket statement that was unnecessary. Whereas an answer like "no honey, I don't feel safe yet on those things, maybe after you've had some time riding" would leave a door open for the possibility. Then let’s say you made the "NEVER" statement, then changed your mind. "hey honey, let’s go for a ride" at first I’d be happy just to get the excitement back that I felt, but it will never be like before she made me feel ashamed for liking to ride, or wishing she'd ride with me. Eventually my excitement will calm down and rational thought would put a little bit of bitterness about it. Just the same that a tickle doesn't feel the same on a scar as it does on unharmed skin. 

As I said, these statements change all kinds of relationships, co-workers, friends, lovers, and family, anyone that has an interaction with another person.

To be brutally honest, people that make statements like these are being stupid and short-sighted. Where children are naive and do not know better, adults are ignorant because they should know better.

c.l.

Judge Me?

Judge Me? Hey, Judge You buddy!

I recently had an unpleasant conversation with someone that is supposed to be close to me. I was told that i'm selfish, fake, and an ingrate. The morning of the same day i was told that i'm smart. Last week i was told how much i seem to care. a month ago i was told that i was a dick. I'm sure everyone has an opinion of me. Some high, some low. I'm sure I have an opinion of most of the people that are worthy of having an opnion of.

What does that mean?

Nothing thats what.

My opinions, just like yours are only used as a barometer of how i'm going to act towards a person. The people that don't get opinions are lumped into one category, then there's people you like, people you dislike and then you have partners, aquaintences, friends and family. Everyone of of them has a level of how you would like them to think of you as well as how you think of them.

The person that thinks i'm selfish is telling me this because they want something that i won't give them. Not that i've displayed selfish behavior in a consistent manor over the duration of our relationship, but one specific act or time frame where they decided that a judgement was necessary. Maybe they wanted thier judgement to change my decision or maybe they wanted to just ruin my day. either way the judgement was unnecessary to thier goals as well as hurtful to both myself and them because one good judgement deserves another.

All of these judgements that are made are stupid. The criteria used in judging anyone is based on either a tiny sample size of thier day, or a half truth/half story. The parameters we use are based on arbitrary limits that are made up by the judge based on however they felt they wanted to judge.

The interesting part is why they felt the need to judge in the first place. I crossed a line at some point for them to decide that it was time to find bookends to a time/place that I was present and make a determination of how they felt about how I acted.

The most amusing part of someone elses judgement of me is their own reaction to thier own judgement based on the decision to judge me using the criteria that was made up. Its amusing because some people mimic the actions they judge...which is stupid because if I was wrong, why would someone want to be wrong also, which then they would fail at thier own criteria and deserve to be judged equally. Some people offer a solution, (I feel that you would be better off if you acted like I act, or how I feel you should act because I know better). And some people just walk away.

Who is right in this situation? The clone, problem solver or the listless? or should the judges of the world focus on how they would like to be judged by someone else. All judgements are formed opinions based on personal values, preferences, and a multitude of external and internal reasons. Everyone judges things and people internally and they express them only when they want to affect someone else in a negative or positive way. The motivating factor in passing your judgement onto others is almost always for selfish reasons.

Also, all opinions are formed by a determination of how an act or function of something or someone is percieved. Some are formed by facts that drive decisions of how you will act towards them. Judging is dangerous and most times its unfounded and unnecessary. I hope if you are a judge, and reading this (that really narrows the field btw), that you take a step back and realize that judging will not make you feel better about yourself which is really where your focus needs to be.

Judging me? Go judge yourself.


Homework:

Try and not judge someone based on a small window of behavior. if you find yourself judging someone (while driving, working, or at home) think about your judement and how big of a sample of this consistant behavior makes you judge soemone.

I'm betting that the smaller sample of your judgement the more violent/harsh/praising/giving you are.

Evolving or Just Getting Old?

Remember when.....?

At what point do you realize that when you are with your friends you are always reminiscing? What age does living and enjoying the simple/stupid things stop? I bet nobody even realized that they stopped laughing at someone falling down. Just a few years ago if someone rode by on a bicycle and fell, my first reaction would be to laugh my ass off, then maybe if it was serious enough i'd see if they were ok. Now, no way, i get all concerned, make sure they are safe, able to move, have a ride if they need one, worried if they have insurance ect. all the stuff I never considered when someone had an accident.
Or what about the lawn? back in the day? weeds? who cares. walking on it? shit, i'd play golf on it. edging? waste of time. Now, my lawn is manicured, I declare war on Creeping Charlie (see, i even know the name of the weeds).

So my prioritities have changed. Simple. And although I don't laugh as much, or find joy in others as easy, I feel i'm smarter, wiser, and use better judgement then before.

Is that better? Absolutely...not. Gone are the days of creativity, sponteneity, and joy of that certain kind. This subject is not to wallow in the shade of past times, but to acknowledge that the change that has occurred was not on purpose, and is not the end of days.

From my perspective, if you read this, this should spark motivation to recapture some of the sillyness that has been lost. If you do read this, and you understand what i'm saying, then you are most likely on the same page.

Homework Assignment:

This evening, wherever you are play some music. Music that you love. Get an old hobby out of the closet/basement/garage and play for a few minutes. Then stop and take a look around and listen to your mind and body and see how you feel. I'm willing to bet it will be better than you've felt in a long time.

c.l.

You're a Roller Coaster!

As a kid, Cedar Point is epic. I'm sure all amusement parks are the pinnacle of a lot of kids summer. Fun rides, greasy food, a time where your parents give you an allowance for the day which affords many games, snacks, drinks. And then you get the freedom. Freedom to roam around the park and do whatever seems fun. Rides are small and exciting, the matterhorn, pirate ship, swings, ect.

Then you  get older and the smaller rides aren't as fun. You join the big leagues by easing into the roller coasters. Older ones that don't have the speed the new ones have. The gemini was always a favorite of mine. kind of a dance between two rival trains twisting and dropping throughout the track.

Finally, when you are old enough to visit the park on your own, the excitement is still there, the drive to ride all of the rides, the biggest fastest rides they can put you on. If you want you can leave the park and visit alternative rides like the water park or the bunji drop. The main attraction, such as in life are the colorful, twisting, fast, and adventurous roller coasters that the masses try to ride. As a motivated young person you'll wait in the rain, cold, hot sun for hours just to get the ride that you think will give you the biggest thrill.

Visits to the park go by and your motivation slows a bit. You have a shorter list of rides that you like, a couple that you might love, some old "go to's" that you know will always be enjoyable. None of them are like when you were a kid though. Intimidated, unsure, a little scared at times. the nervous energy is no longer so strong.

Finally, as in life you choose your favorite ride. Every time you ride it, you get sastifactory results, and lets say you just choose that ride for good. That ride is your ride and you are that rides passenger. You like the slow uphill "clicking" that builds excitement before the drop. You love the drop, then the ride spins and twists and turns. You love the difference of sitting in the front car on the train, or the last. You like being able to control the speed or the length of the ride. Its your favorite ride. Its a great complement to your wants and needs.

The commitment you made to this ride reflects the love and loyaly you have to the things you love. But even though you love that ride and are loyalty, eventually you would like to evolve that ride. because its awesome, but maybe you want options on that ride. Not options on another ride, just an evolution to the current favorite. Maybe you want a bigger hill, or another hill on that track, maybe a loop/spin/upside down. Maybe you would like to add a second track and you can switch to once in a while. Nothing permanent, and nothing to change. That coaster knows its your coaster, and understands at first and agrees to give change a chance, but in reality, doesn't change a thing. Maybe some signage, maybe a new coat of paint/a referesher, but no additions. In fact, that ride while it was giving itself a new coat of paint removes the other cars in the train, so you no longer have a choice which car you sit in. It updates its controls to go one speed, and takes out a hill. some of the pre-ride attractions fade away, the music is old or softer, or something you don't want to hear, the pop/candy machines no longer work, the line isn't as long so the excitement of the wait is cut short, and  the picture booth after the ride is no longer in service. The coaster doesn't really care because it has its rider. But hey, its a new coat of paint, the maintenance is done, maybe some new wheels and it has new parts and a visual refresher all the way around. Its a nice looking coaster.

Now you have a "new" looking coaster that doesn't do for you what it used to. But the coaster is loyal to you and is built for you. Look at all this new signage and the coat of paint! But the ride isn't the same because its shorter, not as high, and has no opportunity for improvement. In fact, new suggestions for improvement aren't even welcome anymore. So now hope is diminished, but as you love that coaster you ride it regularly as part of your visit to the park.

After a while that coaster is still your favorite but other attractions look fun. Although you don't ride other coasters, you spend some more time in the game room playing arcade games, you might eat a little more at the concession with no fear that you'll have to ride any other coasters and not get sick, you don't have to be able to handle anything new. you might hang out with friends more at the bar and watch sports. you still visit your coaster, but rides are fewer and farther in between. You might even read about the other new coasters and see what dips, turns, and spins they have. But you love your coaster and know that its probably not going to change you stick with it. Accepting what it is for what it is. favorite coaster in the park regardless if there are other coaster options.

Your attention to the arcade and your intrests in the sports bar gets to the point where eventually the coaster you are loyal to starts to feel that you like the arcade or the bar more when you visit the park. The coaster wonders if its the signage or coats of paint, or maybe the ride thinks the other rides are more exhilarating or has loops and tricks and adventure that you previously requested in upgrades. But the coaster is proud, standing tall. Maybe the coaster knows that you picked that coaster because it loved the ride that the coaster, but that coaster sees signage and paint color. Other rides have attractions in line, music, videos, pop/candy machines, memorabilia while getting shown to all of the visitors and the "oohs and aahs" are present for the new ones.

Eventually that coaster thinks that you just want to ride other coasters. Why? How is it the rider's lusting for a fun and exciting ride when going to the amusement park different from when he was a kid? How has amusement parks stay in business for so many years?

If the rider was to expect to get less of an experience with putting in the same amount of time and effort (such as going to the park, waiting in line) why would the rider want a shorter, slower, and the same ride without the ammenities it used to have? As the cost of going to the park go up, and the evolution of every other ride, what is the attraction to the ride you love so much? A coat of paint? I doubt it.

In the next chapter, the rider and coaster no longer share the riding experience. The rider moves on to another coaster and tries to decide how to recapture the magic it had on the last coaster as the last coaster has a list of improvements to make in order to attract new riders.

The line gets updates with a DJ with new music, the line gets sprays and heat for hot and cold days, a concession opens in place where the vending machines were. The hill goes back to original size, clicks get put back in and the signage, paint gets updated. No doubt that during this process other upgrades are made, most likely things that were requested by the first passenger.

My question, is if we are all roller coasters in some way, why don't we consistantly evolve and upgrade as needed to maintain a healthy relationship with our passengers?

A Note On Hope

Hope defined: "Want or expect something: to have a wish to get or do something or for something to happen or be true, especially something that seems possible or likely."

Desire Comes First

At first there has to be a demand; a desire; a need; a longing or wanting of something; an outcome. The demands for a ‘need’ or a ‘want’ are different things in themselves. It doesn't really matter if it’s a want or need. It doesn't really change the topic of hope regardless if it’s of significant importance or something simple. The model doesn't change. Understanding the model of how hope inspires or kills a soul is the key to understanding you and other's desire for specific outcomes.

Once an outcome is identified as a want or need, an undeterminable amount of value is placed on the outcome. I say undeterminable because each person desires that outcome at a different level. They also apply different faith and different expectations; or they could want the outcome for different reasons.

Individualizing hope is important because the "hopes and dreams of many" as quoted around the world puts a blanket on the individual spirit. This type of blanketing disguises reason and suggests that there is a single sole purpose for the group. Socializing a mass desire is an easy way to appease or disappoint a large group of people. Leaders have to socialize desired outcomes, and those leaders speak to the "greater good". That "greater good" is in effect saying more people will benefit (in their own individual way) than the ones whom deny or do not share a desired outcome.

In your own life, in your own mind, it’s favorable to keep your desires individual to yourself and to not project your desires onto others as if they share the same reasoning, regardless if they share the same desire for the outcome. This is where good leaders and poor leaders are distinguished. Poor leaders project their own ideas onto others, whereas good leaders feed the individual need for an outcome by inspiring others to share and adopt the same idea for their own reasons. Creating and individual's need drives personal desires which are inspired by hope and a similar outcome. 

Desire in Action

Take for instance a game. The players on each individual team are assumed to want to win that game. The fans of each individual team are assumed to want to win that game. At this point we are all socialized into a desired outcome. What is not thought of is why, how, and of what importance is it to win. The exact outcome doesn't matter at the moment, due to the fact that you have conflicting sides of the outcome we'll split the dividing factions.

Cut that socialization in half and you have one set of players and fans. The remaining set of players and fans is also socialized. The team and fans want to win for money, pride, accomplishment, and fulfillment of that desire. All of the things that the team and fans want to win for are at different levels for each individual member of the team and each individual fan. Because the fans have different individual reasons to route for a favorable outcome (competitive, gambling, partying, ect...), we'll split the factions again. 

Cut that socialization again to just the players and you'll find the reason to want to win will vary also. You'll find that each player on the team prepares a little different. Each player will also have a different compete level. You'll see the desire in their play, their face, and their actions. Your perception of the player is built by the input of their trade as well as the outcome of their work. Judged at every step by the rest of the world. You'll see that skill level helps determine the amount of effort or input that each player has to give to achieve a certain level of success. It’s easy to profile a player. Easy to assume what drives the player and the outcome. 

What you don't see is the level of hope, faith, and self-confidence in each player, coach, & manager. You don't see their reasoning. A player could be playing for a contract. The player could be playing for someone else’s desire (father, coach, and wife). The player could be looking for popularity, or even glory. All of the reasons the player is playing for the desired outcome is different because each level of money, pride, accomplishment, and fulfillment is different for each individual player. If you are a coach, you have to know each individual player and their reasons; you have to search of what inspires each person as an individual.

Hope

Once a coach knows the players level of desire and the reasoning behind that desire. He'll know how to feed his hope, re-enforce his faith, and maximize the player's potential or probability to reach that personal desired outcome.

The coach can't just come in and give a blanket statement, unless he has replaced personal gain with a stronger, richer, and better reason to have that desire. A common reason to aspire maximum potential. This is how military is formed. It’s how leaders are made great, socializing a group of individuals for a common outcome. Essentially creating a more important reason for individual gain (because the individuality never truly subsides).

If you take a step back and look at the coach as an individual, he too is looking for an individual outcome to satisfy his levels of reasoning and desire. His leadership and ability to feed the team's social and individual outcomes fulfills his own personal desires. This idea feeds up to manager who hired the coach, as well as down to each player. The affected party is everyone involved; both teams, fans, management, as well as family and friends. Each individual had a desired outcome, received an actual outcome, and has a different feeling and resulting reaction to the outcome.

This logic makes any and every outcome important in some way at some level.

Understanding desired outcomes both socially and individually helps one understand the respective group and individual intent. This is truly the sole of the desire.

Hope is the vehicle in which individual desire uses to push toward intended outcomes. When you hear the saying, "Where there's a will there's a way" is a positive reinforcement statement used as a tool to fuel hope. The saying spells out that if you have a desire, there is hope.

If you look at the vehicles that desire uses, Self-Confidence, Faith, and Hope. The only one truly necessary to continue forward is hope. Without hope, desire will sit dormant in the back of one’s mind waiting for hope to come back. Performance without Faith and Self-Confidence is hindered, however, can still move on with hope. Without hope, faith and self-confidence are nothing more than the wishes.

Using hockey as an example, if one has a desire to become a better hockey player, his desire and intent is shown to coaches at practice. In games, however, if ones skill isn't high enough yet, the coach might not play the player on a regular basis. This can cause self-confidence issues and in games he might not have the confidence to perform as his highest level. The player might have faith that one day he'll be good enough to play and that his play in practice and in games will give the coach more incentive to return that faith and play him more; but it’s the hope that he can achieve that drives the player. It’s also the hope of the coach that the player's faith and self-confidence can take him to the level of consistent playing time. But truly, it is hope that drives desire. If all hope is lost, desire doesn't fade, it just has no vehicle to pursue the outcome.

Application of Hope

In the application of hope one should always audit oneself in regards to their own personal desires. Understand the level of need for the outcome and use each vehicle to achieve the desired outcome. In essence, you should know what your true desires are in life and work to achieve them. Once you know that, you then move on to learn the desires of the closest people to you. Whether it is your spouse, children, parents, friends, co-workers, etc...

Another example would be the desire to please your spouse. You have to understand your spouse’s desires. There are many basic desires, namely needs (such as extrinsic), that are expected in any marriage. But there are also other desires that are not needs that are intrinsic that motivate and inspire hope, faith, and self-confidence. Once again, it comes down to understanding one’s personal desires, and realizing that desires do not go away. Once hope is lost they lie dormant. Eventually, something inspires hope and invigorates desire, which now gives the vehicles faith and self-confidence room to work.

If one ignores others' desires and proceeds to pursue their own outcomes, the unfulfilled people will reject and rebel at the outcomes of the selfish regardless of the intent. Eventually, the unfulfilled will pursue their own outcomes once life adjusts and hope is re-inspired.

Examples of this are people who lose weight during divorce, rejuvenated careers after changing jobs, company’s, or teams, resurgence of economic growth after a recession, a return of faith in an idea, philosophy, or religion.

All of these are inspired by desires which have to be driven by hope. If there is no hope, achievement can't be maximized. Sayings like, "you can't win by faith alone" re-enforce the idea that hope is the true driver to success.

Advice

To inspire healthy relationships one must recognize their own needs, wants, and desires as well as the needs, wants and desires of the individuals that assist you in realizing your own outcomes.

C.L.

 

Perspective is the key to happiness.

How do you view yourself?  Are you what you want to look like? Are you the person you want to be? Would you rather not look at yourself? The perception of one’s self isn’t the true vision of who you are. In fact, Self-perception is probably the most deceiving of all. You might feel you are different from what others see. And you are for sure different from what everyone sees, because everyone sees something different.

Pleasing everybody is impossible. Pleasing yourself is difficult enough. At what lengths do you go to please some people compared to another person? Some people choose to please themselves over anybody else. And it might sound dirty to please yourself but in essence that’s what they are doing. I don’t see being self –indulgent any differently than I see masturbation. Others are providers, they give to others first, but make sure they get theirs. Then again, some people don’t please themselves at all, their happiness comes from the happiness of the people around them, and they choose to improve the people around them over themselves. Givers.

Being self-indulgent or a giver is not better than the other; however it’s easy to think so.

Take a look at an apple. Red, round, a fruit that was grown on a tree wherever orchards are. Is that apple delicious? Gross? Ok? Each person will have a different idea of what that apple is. The farmer doesn’t see it as an apple; he sees it as money, currency, a means to an end. That apple has no taste to him. A chef sees it as an ingredient. You might like it better as applesauce, juice, in pie, in a salad. You might be used to green apples, so you’d see it as odd. If you don’t like apples you’d see it as being gross.

All these perceptions that people have of this apple and in essence there is no real truth, right? Saying that an apple is gross might offend someone who likes apples, or touting the apple might disturb the anti-applers out there. Then again, the farmer doesn’t care as long as someone is buying them and again the chef doesn’t care as long as enough people order it. All of these are truths.

People are no different in idea than the apple. We are a bit more complex of course, however, the same remains to be true that you can’t please everyone. You’ll never make everyone happy.  All the apple did was grow, and look at the praise and scrutiny it just endured.

You know, perception is opinion which can be changed with thought. No physical change is necessary. And the powers of that change in perception projects onto others and can change their perception of you. Be careful though, changing perception to please others and not yourself might not be true to your beliefs.

Perception also changes naturally, that farmer who sold his apples might have enough money. That apple might look like food again. The chef might end his shift and now a chunk of that apple turnover might look good. The kid who loved apple sauce growing up might not like the consistency anymore, or it could be too sweet for his advancing taste buds.

It’s no different than the people at work who see you as your job, or the people who see you as money, a mule, love you for your humor, or hate you for your opinion. You’ll never please everyone.

My advice is to project who you are the best you can while keeping your integrity.  You can’t force it and you can’t pretend forever. Be true to yourself and they will change their perception of you anyways. The people who love you will still love you.  Everyone else can eat it.